And summer begins...

I am now at Somerset Beach Campground for the summer. Staff training this past week and for one more week. Group building, camping trips, lost swimmer drills, it is all part of the fun. But I have this gnawing feeling that something is out of place, mainly me. Things feel a bit disjointed but there doesn't seem to be much anyone can do about it. Tomorrow I get to spend some quality time with my favorite person and the love of my life, Justin Ray Cloyd. I think we are going into Adrian to watch "Terminator Salvation" and having dinner there. Hopefully the weekend will be relaxing because I definitely need some rest and recuperation. Next weekend is Clair and Caitlin's wedding and then the weekend after that is supposed to be Alisha's but I haven't heard from her yet, it's making me kinda nervous. I think that's all for today. I'm tired and the laundry will be done soon.

Quiky

It has been a LONG time since I have written.
I don't have much to say tonight

but I'm emotional which means I write...sometimes

I miss Alisha.
I don't understand what happened.
Why she left.
Why things don't seem the same anymore.
Why God would give me the best friend in the whole world
and take her right back again.

It's really not fair.

As tears stream down my cheeks tonight I wonder
where she is at
what she is doing
if she ever thinks of me
and remembers the late nights
martini parties
intramural games
temporary tattoos
homework
best friend videos
snuggling and watching movies together

its all gone
like the blink of an eye

i feel like i lost a part of my heart

and then Christina
my other bestie and cousin
is separated from me at MSU
thriving
loving life
school
tons of close friends

i'm jealous in a way
and not in others

i wish she were here

and i miss my sister
doing each others hair
staying up late just to talk
fighting
laughing
loving

mom
with her infinite wisdom
loving touch
tender words
she always know hoe to make me feel better

dad
calling me his beautiful girl
treating me like an angel
out heated discussions
talking about life

my bubba
thinks i'm the coolest
want to hang out
play games
laugh
tease
beat up on each other a little

josh
more grown up every day
working
living
getting less shy
...

i feel so torn
ripped into pieces and shreds over my lack of "family" here

some say i don't try hard enough to connect

i need to open up more

but i don't like having lots of shallow friends

i like having deep and meaningful relationships

people who i can tell my deepest darkest secrets and who will still love me through it all

i had that in alisha

i spent and entire year investing my time and energy in our relationship expecting that she would be here for me next year

and that things were going to continue on as usual

me and my lisha
laughing
loving
best friends forever

now it just feels like best friends for never

she's getting married this summer

the dream really is all over

where do i go from here