And summer begins...

I am now at Somerset Beach Campground for the summer. Staff training this past week and for one more week. Group building, camping trips, lost swimmer drills, it is all part of the fun. But I have this gnawing feeling that something is out of place, mainly me. Things feel a bit disjointed but there doesn't seem to be much anyone can do about it. Tomorrow I get to spend some quality time with my favorite person and the love of my life, Justin Ray Cloyd. I think we are going into Adrian to watch "Terminator Salvation" and having dinner there. Hopefully the weekend will be relaxing because I definitely need some rest and recuperation. Next weekend is Clair and Caitlin's wedding and then the weekend after that is supposed to be Alisha's but I haven't heard from her yet, it's making me kinda nervous. I think that's all for today. I'm tired and the laundry will be done soon.

Quiky

It has been a LONG time since I have written.
I don't have much to say tonight

but I'm emotional which means I write...sometimes

I miss Alisha.
I don't understand what happened.
Why she left.
Why things don't seem the same anymore.
Why God would give me the best friend in the whole world
and take her right back again.

It's really not fair.

As tears stream down my cheeks tonight I wonder
where she is at
what she is doing
if she ever thinks of me
and remembers the late nights
martini parties
intramural games
temporary tattoos
homework
best friend videos
snuggling and watching movies together

its all gone
like the blink of an eye

i feel like i lost a part of my heart

and then Christina
my other bestie and cousin
is separated from me at MSU
thriving
loving life
school
tons of close friends

i'm jealous in a way
and not in others

i wish she were here

and i miss my sister
doing each others hair
staying up late just to talk
fighting
laughing
loving

mom
with her infinite wisdom
loving touch
tender words
she always know hoe to make me feel better

dad
calling me his beautiful girl
treating me like an angel
out heated discussions
talking about life

my bubba
thinks i'm the coolest
want to hang out
play games
laugh
tease
beat up on each other a little

josh
more grown up every day
working
living
getting less shy
...

i feel so torn
ripped into pieces and shreds over my lack of "family" here

some say i don't try hard enough to connect

i need to open up more

but i don't like having lots of shallow friends

i like having deep and meaningful relationships

people who i can tell my deepest darkest secrets and who will still love me through it all

i had that in alisha

i spent and entire year investing my time and energy in our relationship expecting that she would be here for me next year

and that things were going to continue on as usual

me and my lisha
laughing
loving
best friends forever

now it just feels like best friends for never

she's getting married this summer

the dream really is all over

where do i go from here

Another day...

I'm bored

and I don't want to do homework

It has been a long day. I got a fair amount of sleep so I was in a decent mood for most of the day. Ok, so I was in a great mood for a while. But mood swings are a regular part of my life so I had my moments.

Practice went well tonight, Kent gave me the new music and I am so much more comfortable playing for Act 2 now. I'm still nervous as heck but not as bad as before.

I'm watching the Disney channel for some odd reason right now and trying to work up the motivation to do homework. I really need to because I still have a English paper to write and a Chemistry exam to study for before Thursday. Plus I need to work on lines for the one-act.

So I better try to do something

Maybe

questioning my ability to survive

Today has been rough

I smashed my knee into my bed at some wee hour of the morning...
It left a welt...a scrape...and a LOT of pain

Chemistry class at 7:50. In way over my head. Didn't really listen closely. Now I'm even more lost.

Back to the room. Got an e-mail from mom.
I miss her a lot. Called and tried to leave a happy message.
Started choking up after the first few words. Said a quick goodbye...hung up the phone....cried for a bit.

Wanted to take a nap. Not enough time.
Quick shower instead.
Unfortunate moments.
.
.
.
.
.
Got dressed
Went to chapel.

*happy moment* Got to see my roomie and Justin :D

Back to the dreary day.
Hungry. But I don't need to and can't eat right now.
Maybe in a little bit...if I feel like it.

Jazz band at 12:20
Accompanying from 1:30 to 2:30
Vocal Lab at 3:50
Dinner...if I have time.
One-Act practice at 5:00
Baptist set work at 8
Homework once we are done.
Maybe some sleep

Saturday: up at 8 to shower and get ready for the day
More set work at 9:00
Rehearsal 12:00pm-??
Homework once I'm done

Sunday: church at 11
lunch at 12
rehearsal 3:00 pm-6
Dinner
Rehearsal 7-10

Monday: back to the daily grind of classes
Rehearsal every night this week from 7pm -12am.

Thursday is opening night.
Friday in the playwright's reception and my Jazz concert
Saturday is the final night, then strike, and a cast party @ the Pattons
Sunday is more strike. and sleep

Then I have a life again.

*sigh*

This is not going to be a good week...I've already started things horribly.

fail

God is in control

This weekend was AMAZING.
I got to see my family.
I hung out with some of my bestest friends
we went 4-wheeling
walked along lake michigan
carved pumpkins
ate homemade meals
and just spent QT together

*sigh*

I miss home.

But things have been ok here...no GREAT here.
Last night I had a wonderful talk with an amazing brother in Christ...
and lets just say God is awesome....He is beyond words

Life is getting more interesting by the day...in a good way...

I'm just listening and praying and doing all that is humanly possible to let God do everything HIS way.....

*sigh*

God is in control

we are family!

so this weekend I went home. it was amazing in more ways than one. But I'll have to talk about it later because I need to go play piano before class. *sigh*
I love God

O Happy Day!

Today has been wonderful.
I got to sleep in for the first time in a WHILE! It was amazing to say the least.
And the sun is shining outside. I love the sun, it makes me happy. It's like it brings out all the goodness and love and joy in the world. *sigh* Sunny days are a special gift from God.
Last night was, overall, a good night. I got to dress up and feel all girly for homecoming, which was nice. But the dance was not at all what I wanted it to be or what it should have been. But thats ok, such is life.
Then I came back to lovely SAU in a not so great mood but was quickly cheered up by one of my bestest friends. We ate popcorn (or should I say had a popcorn throwing war) watched the end of X-men, and watched Equilibrium (very good movie btw). So the night ended well. God is good and know exactly what He is doing during each and every moment of my life. For that I am thankful.

And now today.
I have to do some homework.
And I am going to watch the one acts at 3:00.
Jazz band is playing at 6.
Then later on tonight I may be taking a trip into Jackson to go to the haunted house:D It will be amazing.

So today will be good, because it is a day the Lord has made.
Joy joy joy.